Stop, Drop and Chug a Glass of Wine...

Fire safety tips from a new wife from experience:

1. When lighting a candle in a room, do not leave it lit when you leave that room. Especially when it is directly underneath a wood cabinet.

2. When you smell smoke, don't ignore it and blame the burning scent on the pothead neighbor. Think about what could be on fire...and do not get distracted by Kendra talking to Hank about getting traded to yet another NFL team. Actually seek out the smell...

3. When you see smoke billowing out from the medicine cabinet, don't just stand there frozen in the hallway with your mouth open saying "OMG, OMG, OMG." Move quickly towards the candle and the flame you see burning a whole into the bottom shelf of the cabinet and BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.

4. Once candle is blown out, feel the cabinet first to see if it is hot. This could mean there are flames inside and you don't want to feed it oxygen. Once you have that thought and realize "I don't give a sh*t how it feels, I am opening the damn thing to see what kind of damage I have done to the apartment," open it but step back. Black smoke in the eye? Not such a good feeling.

5. After gray mass of smoke exits the cabinet, throw an entire bucket of water at the wall/mirror/shelves and soak the entire bathroom excessively for no reason to be sure that the flames are out.

6. Open all windows and the door to the apartment so that New York City's Finest don't get called and find new wife in cozy, pink striped Old Navy Socks and an over sized high school basketball t-shirt.

7. Call husband. Cry to husband. Tell him what happened and that you almost burned down the apartment. Listen to him say "don't worry, I am not mad" instead of asking if you are okay. Get pissed off. Stop crying. Hang up.

8. Throw away all bottles of medicine that have melted in the small blaze, making sure not to tell husband how much you actually threw out since he is quite the saver and would have totaled the price tags on each to see how much this idiot mistake cost us.

9. Walk to the fridge. Open a bottle of prosecco. Pour it. Chug it. Drink it while standing in front of the blackened and charred cabinet and shelf. Think about trying to clean it, but leave it for husband to deal with.

10. Light another vanilla scented candle in the bathroom to cover up the smell of fire.

Good thinking.

The Hobbyless Newlyweds

While in Hawaii on our honeymoon, a local told us of his passion for surfing. We listened and loved hearing the tales of kite surfing from island to island, and fist fights on surf boards in the middle of the ocean for a good wave. It made us realize, aside from a good bottle of wine and an overpriced meal, what are we passionate about? What are our hobbies?

I do enjoy writing, and sometimes the occasional Chelsea Handler book, but I wouldn't describe myself as literary. I like TV, but who doesn't, and lets face it, telling someone you like The Real Housewives of whatever city happens to be on, doesn't really make for a substantial conversation starter.

We thought about our lives and what we do day to day, and it made us realize, we are the hobbyless couple. Maybe that is a common theme in New York City, since there really isn't anything to do here except work, drink, eat and sleep, specially from October through April when it is freezing or raining. But are those hobbies? Does finding the best martini bar in Manhattan qualify as a passion?

What defines a hobby anyway? According to Wikipedia: A hobby is an activity or interest that is undertaken for pleasure or relaxation, typically done during one's leisure time. If that is the case, then here are some of my hobbies:

1. Hot sauce

2. My cat

3. Man v. Food/Adam Richman

4. Jalapenos

5. Bob

6. Target

7. Jeggings

8. Trying to be funny

9. Soy cheese

10. Us Weekly

That is a good start, and I would like to add more (small and ridiculous) passions, but I would love to hear what your passions/hobbies are. Please feel free to give recommendations for things that you love that we should consider taking up, as long as it does not involve mushrooms and/or spiders.

Thank you.

The Good Wife, Me.

It has been just over 2 months since my husband and I got hitched. Most people say nothing changes once you get married, especially if you have been living together pre-marriage. Well I say after the I do, that is not true.

Since my transformation from fried Weiss to au natural Stever, I have stepped up my romantic game. Don't get me wrong, I have always been a fan of the institution of marriage and the idea of eternal commitment. But I became a die-hard fanatic of indefinite love the day I became a "wife."

According to Wikipedia, "A wife is a female partner in a marriage. The rights and obligations of the wife regarding her spouse(s) and others, and her status in the community and in law, varies between cultures and has varied over time." In our culture, and by culture, I mean what goes down at 630 1st Avenue, this means I am responsible for a few things:

1. When I buy new clothes, hide it for as long as possible and then introduce it as "this old thing" when husband asks so as to protect husband's anxiety about my spending problem (or as I like to think of it, my patriotic contribution in getting this economy back on track).

2. If husband says that I drink too much, use a red wine glass instead of a champagne flute for my prosecco so that I make less trips to the fridge for refills, thus making it seem like "less." Further, add a little splash of OJ to the bubbly goodness, after all who can argue the nutritional value of a daily dose of Vitamin C.

3. When husband is waiting for me to finish getting dressed and ready to go out, place small snacks out in front of the TV, i.e. pretzels, chips, any junk we ate as kids and a juice box if available, so that husband is quiet and content with no rushing comments until the whole maintenance process is complete. The more variety of snacks the better, so as to overwhelm the senses with colors and textures, and endless possibilities of flavor combinations.

4. Make husband's coffee in the morning. After brewing the Chock Full o' Nuts that was on sale that week, make it taste sweet and delicious by adding artificial sweetener and vanilla flavored Coffeemate with a sprinkle of cinnamon. NOTE: Make sure that it is truly cinnamon you are using out of the spice cabinet and NOT cayenne pepper. Husband drank two cups with cayenne pepper, complained, sipped again, complained, got sick, threw out the coffee thinking it had gone bad and left for work. I soon thereafter figured out my mistake. He will find out about that on this blog. Great.

5. Let husband vacuum the cat.

We will leave it to those 5 obligations for now, and as I continue my adventures in the wonderful world of wedded bliss, I promise to document all of my moments, good or bad, cinnamon or cayenne, so that I can learn from my own enlightening blog and be a better "good" wife, and so that I can continue to entertain all of my 5 followers. I will not disappoint.